What I can do for my country

Your recommended daily allowances of alcohol, tobacco, and firearms, in helpful and easy to understand pyramid form.

You’re welcome, America!

Hacking the GPO

The Government Printing Office is in charge of publishing all official legislation and stuff like that, and as such, they’re the authoritative source for official government-type information.AND there are a whole lot of laws out there, many of them really small and petty and largely ignored. But the devil is in the details, and just the tiniest little turn of phrase can make a huge difference, and sometimes the tiniest things are just sitting there dormant, waiting for someone to come along and exploit them. Or at least so I like to think.

So this this pretty good idea is that somehow, you gain access to the GPO printing process. Get some low-level job, crack some overlooked administrative system, something. And go in and change something small. Make the changes so they don’t raise red flags in copyfitting or checksums or something–I’m a little nonspecific still on the details of how this would be done, and may in fact need to hire a subcontractor to help with this part, but that’s the basic idea. Just change maybe an ‘and’ to an ‘or’ with an extra space. Change an and to an or or vice versa.

Or go bigger. Write some new administrative law in some obsure and unexpected place. Fabricate a legislative history, and this is important: Leave it be.

Let it sit there for a while. Don’t draw attention to it at first.

Wait long enough that it exceeds the grasp of short-term memory. Give it time to be propagated in printed materials. If your fabricated law is boring and administrative enough, people won’t expect to remember much in the way of debate or letters to the editor, and they’ll probably just accept its legitimacy without much question. Make it look like it was snuck in through the proper channels.

And then make a lot of money.

I don’t have any solid plans for what types of changes I’m going to make specifically, and if I did, I would probably not say because I’d want it to be a surprise. Hypothetically.

Marketing idea

If I ever have to create an cutting edge new character to save a flagging enterprise, like PeopleSoft or whatever, I would focus on appealing to young people. I would make my character be named “Attidude.” It would be a guy who had witty rejoinders for EVERYTHING! Plus, he would be really hep like Chester Cheetah or that new Kool Aid guy who wears pants.

Mnemonic Generator

This is a pretty good idea for either remembering things or for pretending you are cool!

You can type in any random number, like a phone number or a social security number, and it will search the Bible, plus latitude and longitude to find out if anything interesting is there, plus the law in your country, state, city, etc., so you can automatically find out what that number means.

Like, maybe “Gomer” from the Old Testament or that part where the guys ran Jehovah out of town with their iron chariot, plus “Stockholm” or “the Statue of Liberty,” and “operating a bawdy house” or “having a sign that makes too many revolutions per minute.”

This should probably be some kind of web thing that just queries a whole bunch of databases.

This could help you to remember your telephone number, plus also you could tell people about it and they might think it was interesting.

Maybe, if I got the right kind of hat for it, I could be a mentalist or something with it, too.

TO DO: Hat

Fake CIA agent scams 22 for $1M – The Clarion-Ledger

Goddamn it. The best idea I came up with today was “Burrito Week.”

[Stacey Finley] claimed to be a CIA agent who could have satellites scan people’s bodies for disease, then have CIA agents administer secret medicines to them while they slept.

Fake CIA agent scams 22 for $1M – The Clarion-Ledger

TV scroller obliterator

Another proof of concept, for other people to figure out how to do and stuff like that.

This is a feature for televisions, where you can black out parts of the television, line by line, to block portions of the TV screen. So, you can scroll up with your remote to block out the ticker on the news, or Joan Rivers on the TV Guide channel, or the little ads along the bottom of TV shows. Maybe even allow for horizontal scrolling to block out those animated promos and station identifiers, even.

That’s up to you. I’m way too busy coming up with good ideas to be implementing any of them or thinking about little details.

Plus another pretty good idea is to have the most tags of anyone. LOLLERSKATES!

OK. Bye!

A pretty good scrapbooking idea!

I am compelled by demographics to include some pretty good ideas for scrapbooking, which is like kindergarten, except for sexless middle-aged white ladies.

Unfortunately, scrapbooking places smell like stale fuck plus they play weird Jesus songs, which gives me APD, or Automatic Punching Disease, which is a medical disorder that makes me do the fisticuffs against people.

As such, my pretty good scrapbooking idea is kind of old and does not take best advantage of state of the art scrapbooking technologies or anything.

Here is a picture of me to add visual interest to this post. I should totally make a joke about “After the jump,” but I’m not going to.

When I was a kid, I used to read the comics and other things, and sometimes I would not get a joke in something. So I would think to myself, “This is probably a pretty good joke that I just don’t understand yet because I am a kid. It might even be dirty! I had better save it for later, when I am more educated and can understand these no doubt hilarious and sophisticated jokes.”

So I would cut out the Marmaduke or the Reader’s Digest “Life in Uniform” or whatever, and then I would carefully paste it into this scrapbook thingy someone gave me. I accumulated quite a collection before it occurred to me that the reason I didn’t understand the jokes is that they were stupid.

So I had a whole scrapbook full of every stupid and unfunny joke I saw in print for a year or so. I think I got mad and threw it away once I realized what had happened.

Yeah, so that’s my pretty good scrapbooking idea.

Cooking with guns

This is a pretty good idea for making dull kitchen tasks quicker and less boring.

So, like, if you had to chop up a bunch of cabbage or an eggplant or whatever, instead of standing around with a knife and chopping it like some doddering old Grandma, you could instead just shoot it with some kind of exploding bullet.

I hope to follow up this general idea soon with more specific recipes and calibers and such.

donk

One other invention is a word, donk, which is a verb describing the act of communicating in an overly and artificially loquacious manner, including not just using unnecessarily large words, but also inventing words and adding extra syllables to existing words for no reason except that it makes you sound like a big shot.

The root of the word is that it is a back-formation of present continuous tense of the verb, donking, which is just Don King squished together. Get it?

Because Don King totally talks like that is why.

Anyway, I think that’s a pretty good word, and you should use it.

I invented yogurt!

I am tired and busy (busy being TIRED) today, so I am just going to link to my instructable documenting how I invented yogurt.

My fingers look like big pink hams, but I cropped the pictures so nobody would ever know.